Have you ever found yourself in a power struggle with your child? As a parent, you may find that there are times when your child will tell you “no” or refuse to comply. It may be something small like picking up their toys are something more significant. Kids often can’t articulate why they feel the need to have the last say but no matter what the issue, the reason may be about power and control.
The Why Matters
So why do children want power and control? If you think about kids, they are being told all day long what to do. They have very little control over what happens to them. This can leave kids feeling powerless and out of control. So when we understand the reason behind the behavior, it only makes sense that a child may be trying to grasp for power and control. After all, they have very little say in what happens in their lives.
A Path Forward
Now that you understand why your child may be getting into a power struggle with you, how do you move forward? First, we want to let our child know that we understand how they feel. They are not wrong for feeling powerless, out of control or frustrated. All feelings are valid. It’s what they do with those feelings that matter. So, the first thing you want to do is validate your child’s feelings. For example, you might say “you really don’t want to brush your teeth right now” or “you’re having so much fun that it’s hard to stop and get ready for bed”. Often times, this may help diffuse the situation as the child feels heard and understood. This takes practice and consistency but over time you may notice that your child doesn’t feel the need to always grab for power.
Choices for Kids
Another way to give a measure of control to your child is through choice giving. One of the ways to combat power struggles is to give children a measure of control. You as the adult still control the choices but giving choices allows your child to practice self-regulation and self-responsibility. Children need the opportunity to practice these skills.
When we offer choices to kids, we are very intentional with our language. So if the power struggle is about brushing teeth you might say “you are really sad it’s time to brush your teeth because you’re enjoying your show. You can choose to brush your teeth in two minutes or you can choose to brush your teeth in five minutes. Which do you choose?” Notice, that we used the word “choose” multiple times. This communicates to the child that they have a choice. Remember the goal is to reduce the power struggle and give the child a measure of control.
Getting Further Support
If you find yourself frequently in a power struggle with your child, try the above suggestions. If you need further support, please reach out to us to see if play therapy or parenting classes may be a good fit for your family. We are here to support you and walk alongside you in your parenting journey. Contact us for a free parent consultation at 832-521-8809.
